an "ah hah" moment...

My husband, Phillip & I have been abundantly blessed with the amazing responsibility of raising 4 of God's children. We had been married 3 years, when our first born Logan, came along. He was preemie and being his mommy was the biggest job I had even taken on. He was so tiny and so overwhelmingly amazing. I had never felt so much love, so immediately for anyone. Never. He is now almost 12 years old, and has become this responsible, respectful young man, and some days I wonder where my 4lb helpless baby boy went. He is a take charge kinda kid. He loves sports. Being his mom.... gave me purpose.

Then came along our blue eyed sweetie, Brady Cole. He was double the size of his big brother, and came at a time of my life when I really needed someone to ground me. BC is 9, and loves, loves to make you laugh. He is tender hearted & loves deeply. He has so much love for others, his prayers, as a 9 yr old just blow me away. I remember, feeling that same... blow ya away kind of love for him as well. Even, feeling surprised that I didnt ... feel it comin, ya know? Again, Immediate, unconditional...love. Throw myself in front of a bus for you, without thinking twice... love.

So, I guess it was 6 years later, when we found out we were expecting our unexpected third child. Logan & BC were sooo excited. They were 8 & 6 by this time. Phillip & I had talked over the years about possibly adopting someday, but this baby...girl... came as a surprise. My pregnancy was ...hmmm, horrible. From sickness & nausea, to depression, to her kicking me...I felt like there was an alien in my body. It was not a pleasant pregnancy. Then I found out she was a girl....which scared me to death... I remember laying in our bathroom floor crying my eyes out...and just begging God to give me what I needed to mother a girl. My mom & I don't have...an exactly healthy relationship, and I was so fearful, that I just didn't have what it was gonna take to parent her. I got up, knowing...that my God knew that I had some strenght in there that I didn't know I had and I just trusted that He would give me what would need as I needed it. So, I began to muster...really... had to work up the excitement... I remember everyone around me was so excited, I guess I put on a good show... I was taught to do that. One of my sisters was pregnant at the same time I was...that always seemed to happen with us. K. has drug problem, but had assured me she was clean for months now. July 3, she delivered a baby boy, Max. We went to meet our new little nephew who was absolutely beautiful. I was 7 months pregnant with our baby girl, when we got the phone call July 5th, to come & pick Max up. He would not be allowed to go home with my sister K. Max's story is for another day... for now, I will just say Max turns 3 tomorrow...July 3, and while he became our son July 5th 2007, in the eyes of the court, he officially became our son last October. Bringing him home...was scarey... but by that night, laying in bed with this precious newborn baby, 7 months preggers... looking at the innocent little baby... God birthed inside of me that I had only felt 2 other times... ya got it... I would have thrown myself in front of a bus for him... as fearful, (in my flesh), as I was to say it out loud, at that moment...he was my son. God had ordained it that way... I wasn't sure of the how or even the why's.... but, he was where his Father God wanted him to be. I knew it in my spirit. He was/is the sweetest baby... he was very sick, but so happy all the time, he bonded quickly with his daddy & his brothers Logan & Brady Cole. We were all absolutely in love with him. Again, his story...is one that has made me WANT to blog for 3 years now... so his story..another time... for now...

Alrighty, soooo next would come our little princess... Kylee. Named by her daddy. She is, even from the womb.... sassy & independent. Also, sweet & sooo nuturing. It amazes me how we are created as men & women completely different by our maker. This little girl is beautifully girly...and some days I think..."where's she learn that?" Well, she was created that way. While, I absolutley would say I felt that unconditional love for her as well... our relationship has by far, been the most challenging. She is warming up to ppl these days... but we always joked that she just didn't like people. She was never easily entertained... and didn't seem to ... need me, like my boys did. I am learning to embrace her differences now. I watch her sleep and am just in awe that God used my husband and I to create something so beautiful...and COMPLEX. I watch her mother her baby dolls & think what a wonderful mommy she is going to be someday. She cleans behind me... she follows me around trying to help with laundry or brush my hair, or sing to me. Just preciousness. Here is a piece of my heart:

OK, so you have heard all my romantical stories of how my children came to be. Now they are all growing up so fast and LIFE gets in the way. Last Friday.. I was having...one of those days. 4 kids... hubby gone for the weekend (which he has never done...did you hear me... I have NEVER had all 4 kids by myself for a weekend!) and we were expecting company later that night. My best friend & her 3 children...so my kiddoes were more than excited and that is ALL i had heard about all day. My head was pounding, my chest was all tight...it was just a loud, stressful day. I think alot of days, moms get so caught up in the moment...we forget what an amazing job we have been given... and it just feels like...good old work. not fun. not enjoyable. not rewarding...and sometimes not even important or meaningful. just work. Well, that was my day...and it was whoopin my tail. In the midst of one of my rants...and I had had several by this time.... this one directed at Max, he was giving me a...disapproving look at whatever I was sending him to time out for... and THEN he began to argue with me...which is a huge "no no" in our home... but, something stopped me. He was standing there, lip all poked out... again, trying to tell me whatever he did wasnt really worthy of a time out...when he said "mom, mommy, mom".... i'm not sure about what else he was saying..because right there, in the middle of all the chaos, all I heard was this little boy, not even physically born from my womb, speaking with such sweet conviction to his mommy. me. .... me. I, am his mommy. This amazing little creation.... saw me, knew me, calls me...mom. I was overwhelmed. Yes, partly, because I still have insecurities about what he will feel in the years to come, knowing he is adopted....but... he calls me mom. I am his mom. Now, being a mom is not where I find my worth...but, in that moment....boy, it just sunk into my spirit... that God loves me so much that he saw fit to trust us with not only three children that we physically made, but one that He made...and that He placedd in our family. AND, then...wow... it just went on... is that what my Daddy God feels when I call out to him? When I am hurting or disappointed, or lonely, or broken, or dancing at His feet...what must He feel when we call out to Him.... "daddy, thank you, daddy, help me, daddy, i need you, daddy i love you". I wonder if Father God's heart soars like mine did that day? So, that was my "ah hah" moment... "Ah hah, he loves me... ah hah, i get to be his mommy, ah ha.. my Daddy God loves me so mush he trusted me to be mommy to FOUR of HIS children... ah hah... my Daddy God loves it when I call out His name".

So.. how long has it been since you set your Fathers heart afire....?? Since you called out to Him... in thanksgiving, or joy or hopelessness?? He loves you... He longs to hear from you. His child. Make time today... to just call out to him. He IS the lover of your soul.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3

Blessings~ Joelle